


Laszlo Cravensworth's Porno Spectacular

by Skyuni123



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: (there's no actual smut in this), F/M, M/M, Mixed Media, Multi, Porn With Plot, Queer History, Satire, a lot of this is a shitpost but i genuinely did historical research
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25219615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyuni123/pseuds/Skyuni123
Summary: An illustrated history of some of Laszlo Cravensworth's most well-regarded pornographic works.Foreword by Aisling von Ceraline, Professor of Vampiric Sexuality, Sanguine University.-(Ever wanted to read too much about Laszlo's vast and industrious porno career? This is the story for you. Complete with pictures.)
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz & Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja, Laszlo Cravensworth/OFC, Laszlo Cravensworth/OMC, Laszlo Cravensworth/Tom Cruise
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	Laszlo Cravensworth's Porno Spectacular

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Cumming to America: Steve Rogers' Erotic Legacy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18740293) by [Skyuni123](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyuni123/pseuds/Skyuni123). 



**_Laszlo Cravensworth’s Porno Spectacular_ **

_Vampiric sexuality is expansive and wild. If society develops a new fetish, it’s likely that a vampire originally pioneered it. We are a diverse race - usually, but not always very concerned with the pleasures of the flesh, and it interacts and links to how we feed. Our thirst for flesh is an intimate act in itself - what is feeding if not penetrating the body with our fangs?_

_At Sanguine University I teach a variety of classes on vampiric sexuality, but there is one topic that interests my freshman students the most. I spend about a month on the concept of pornography. Ever since humanity - and to an extent, vampiric society - learned to create art, there’s been pornography. It has shaped some of our world._

_Most of that month of study focusses on the extensive pornographic career of one man - Laszlo Cravensworth - who is widely regarded to be one of the very first vampire pornstars. His career is wide and varied - with some vampiric porn and some not - and serves as an important historical barometer in the world of how we see our sexuality, and how we see ourselves._

_This book has been written with the express permission of Mr Cravensworth, who currently resides somewhere in Staten Island with a group of other vampires. I hope you will enjoy my discussion forthwith._

**Aisling von Ceraline**

**Doctor of Vampiric Sexuality**

**Sanguine University**

**2020**

\--

“My book is here!” Laszlo yells out to the house at large. He hefts the Amazon package down to the fancy room and opens it. 

_Laszlo Cravensworth’s Porno Spectacular_ is emblazoned on the front in bright yellow font. Laszlo stares into the camera, soulfully, teeth bared.

It is all very dramatic, and Laszlo likes it very much. He’s never going to read the thing, of course, he doesn’t much give a damn about universities or _reading,_ but it’s a good excuse to showcase his porno collection yet again.

Which is _very_ magnificent. 

“You have a book?” Nadja says, leaning into the room. She eyes the cover dismissively. “No, Laszlo, you’re not-”

\--

_Adventures of a Very Randy Vampire (1896)_ _is one of the first ever examples of vampiric (and human) pornography ever put to film. The use of dark shadows, chiaroscuro lighting and a woman and a window reportedly inspired F.W Murnau’s_ _Nosferatu_ _(1922), widely regarded as the first ever vampire horror film. Such allusions to the piece are present in the staging, shot choice, and perhaps even the odd placement of the character’s orgasm face near the end of the clip. Classicism, indeed!..._

[A waspish woman, dressed all in white, sits in her bedroom. In a puff of smoke, the Vampire (Cravensworth), dressed in the gothic stylings of the time - complete with cape - appears in her room, and the woman gasps. He points at her and says (in subtitles on the screen), “I’ll have you now!” then he takes her hand. “Submit to my dark power.” The erotic part of the film begins with him biting into her neck.]

“Lazslo, why are you making me do this?” Guillermo shifts uncomfortably in his seat on the armchair. The old projector is churning through its reel in front of him, and while there’s no sound because it’s a silent film, the grunts and moans that Lazslo-on-screen is making are obvious. The whole thing is making him feel a bit sick. 

“I’m not making you do anything, Gizmo.” Laszlo says, reclining wildly on the couch. 

Guillermo supposes he’s lucky that Lazslo doesn’t have a boner. “I mean, you kinda are.”

“Nandor simply said, “I would prefer that Guillermo watches instead of me.” Laszlo points out, “Which is very rude, and very mean of him but you are his familiar.”

“I’m not sure if being his familiar means that I have to watch you have sex on screen.” 

Laszlo shrugs. “Debatable.” 

**

_ The Vampire Jollies (1927) _ _ is almost a satire of the Roaring 20s. Full of puns, silliness and all the Charleston one could shake a heavily-sequined leg at, this film’s not particularly erotic, but it is a bit of fun. Cravensworth plays Charles, a wealthy playboy, and his dancing is certainly something to behold… _

[Charles and the woman he’s with dance the Charleston, badly. With a magical flair, Laszlo strips the woman of her top layer of clothing. The woman screams, and tries to cover herself a little. She says, “Zounds, I’m in my knickers!” and Laszlo replies, “Time to 23 skidoo!”. The camera cuts closer, and he continues, “Or should I say… 69, skidoo.”]

Colin Robinson snorts a little at the joke. “Did you know that the use of the word 69 as a sexual innuendo-”

“Oh God, shut up!” Laszlo snarls, because he’s missing the best bit. 

**

_Let’s Do It For Our Country_ _(1942) was a… mistimed piece of erotica, one could say. A bizarre pro-prophylactic ad, as well as a porn film, this piece was aimed at American soldiers going over to fight in the Second World War. There had been a spate of venereal disease on the battlefield, and the film’s director - R.E Smith, a noted pornographic producer at the time - hoped that his work would aid the war effort. It was, instead, seen as tasteless and, as one New York Times review puts it, “Utterly without merit.” To look at it through a modern lens, the piece is misogynistic - horribly so - and very heavy-handed on the pro-prophylactic use. R.E Smith continued to make pornography, however, even after_ _Let’s Do It For Our Country_ _went down like a lead balloon. The sequel -_ _Let’s Do It For Our Country 2: Daddy’s Home_ _(1948) was, ironically enough, an anti-prophylactic piece, designed to encourage husbands fresh back from the war to get their wives pregnant. Some scholars suggest that the film, now holding cult status, was what kicked off the baby boom…_

[Dressed in a generic military uniform - though very American-looking - Laszlo breaks down the door to a military bunker. Inside is a woman, dressed generically, but in a way that seems vaguely like a spy. He puts down his gun, but his weapon is fully cocked, and she springs at him and pulls his pants down. This simply won’t do. To the camera, he says, in a vague approximation of an American accent, “She may look clean, but…”. The woman, instead of immediately blowing him, pulls a condom seductively from his pocket and puts it on him. Laszlo, now fully torqued and fully covered, says to the camera again, “Don’t forget - put it on before you put it in.” The whole porno ends with an ad for Trojan condoms, now made with latex!]

_  
  
_

“Ugh.” Laszlo says, wrinkling his nose. “You have no idea how many of those things I had to wear. No sensation. Makes the whole thing a lot less fun.”

__

“Well, you would be the type to say that.” Guillermo says, under his voice, wondering wildly why he’s still in the room. 

__

Laszlo waves him off. “You’re a virgin, you don’t know.”

__

“I do know that condoms are 96 percent effective at preventing against STDs.” Guillermo continues, because apparently he has a death wish today or something. 

__

“98 percent effective!” Colin Robinson says, from outside the door. “But the easiest way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases is to abstain from sexual contact-”

__

“You  _ would  _ say that.” Laszlo says, but perks up when he spots the next film. “Oh yes, this is one of my favourites.” 

__

Guillermo just rolls his eyes. 

**

_ The 1950s was truly the beginning of Cravensworth’s slightly more unusual pornographic career. From 1950 to 1959, the man performed in over one hundred pornos. Noted vampiric scholar Zada Bennett describes Cravensworth’s career in the 50s as turbulent - several shoots nearly resulting in him losing his life to the sun - but the majority of his works have a nostalgic, ‘back-to-basics’ kind of feel. Very wholesome, very traditional Americana, often fairly conservative. However, 1954’s  _ _ Varsity Vampire _ _ brought to the fore a trend that would continue off and on for the rest of his career - a desire to be dominated by beautiful, powerful women… _

[Laszlo is tied up to a chair in an American classroom. He’s also dressed in a purple varsity jacket. A cheerleader stands over him. “Let’s see State College win the big game without their star quarterback.” She sighs, her hands on her hips. Using his immense vampiric powers, Laszlo breaks free of the ropes. The cheerleader gasps. “How can I ever make it up to you?” “Well, I could think of a few ways…” Laszlo sighs, and we smash cut to her pushing him down over a desk. Close on Laszlo’s face as he grunts - “Oh yeah, be-bop-a-lula, oh yeah.”

_  
  
_

“You see, it’s…  _ progressive,  _ isn’t it?” Laszlo says, to the room at large. There is no-one else in it, which is probably for the best considering the circumstances of his pants.

__

“You wanting to be dommed by powerful women doesn’t make you progressive, Lazslo.” Jenna calls, from the hallway. She and Nadja are going out for a hunt, or something. “It makes you normal.” 

__

“Normal?” Laszlo considers arguing the point, but he really can’t be arsed.

**

_Mommy Issues_ (1968), _by Steven Cockhitch,_ _contains another domineering woman, and perhaps even the first hints of the pseudo-incest craze so popular in online pornography these days. In this full length feature, Cravensworth plays Geoff, an average office worker, who is trapped in his office after a murder is committed. T_ _he police are no help. Along the way he has sex with his platinum blonde stepmother, who is also his boss, and solves the murder by falling down a staircase._

[“Oh no!” Laszlo shouts, with absolutely no commitment. “There’s been a murder.” There has, indeed, been a murder. After several long takes, some plot-related macguffins, and a lot of dramatic colour palettes, he has sex with his stepmother in her office. Head clear of any kind of eroticism, he solves the murder. Then, he fucks his stepmother again.]

_  
  
_

“I am…  _ disgusted. _ ” Jenna says, sticking her head through the curtain. She’s back from her hunt, or something.

__

“Come along, dear, leave my darling husband alone with his pornography.” Nadja ushers Jenna away from the curtain. “How long are you going to be?”

__

“I’m not even halfway!” Laszlo replies.

__

Nadja sighs. 

__

It’s been three weeks already.

**

_ Vampires could easily be described as ‘sexually liberated’. Aside from some who grew up in rather conservative families before they were turned - I have a section on Catholicism and vampires in my last book - we tend to hold significantly fewer prejudices - barring the obvious ones - on sexuality and sexual matters. Some may label themselves with human terms - I call myself ‘queer’ in polite company, but others do not. This is why it is surprising that Cravensworth’s first non-heterosexual film was in 1978, nearly a century after his first appearance on screen. The first erotic kiss between members of the same sex appeared in film in the 1920s, so why the wait?  _ _ A Walk on the Wilder Side _ _ (1978) is made strictly for a vampiric audience, and portrays Cravensworth as a vampire having his first same sex encounter. It’s all very 1970s - full bush, shall we say… _

[Laszlo is sitting opposite another man on a couch and blowing smoke from a cigar. He’s questioned on his sexuality and his age, and says he’s never been with a man before. The whole thing devolves into some fairly enthusiastic and hairy thrusting that immediately disproves his character’s point.]

_  
  
_

“You know,” Laszlo says, to Nandor, who is unfortunately in the room now because he can’t find the book he’s looking for anywhere else in the house, “In the book about me - see, there-” He’s highlighted the quote, “She says I’d never done things with a man on screen before, which is _absolutely_ not true. We lost the reel of _La Petite Mort_ in a tragic fire in 1941. Those bloody Nazis, ruining everything for everyone. My French accent was fantastic.”

__

“I do not care.” Nandor has found his book, and swiftly heads for the door.

__

“Ah, mon ami, mais toi.” Laszlo drawls, at his back, in a very terrible French accent. “You do.”

**

_ Parody, pastiche and reflexivity are all elements of the postmodern film. Postmodernism starting coming about in the 20th century, but it didn’t really hit horror film - or even pornography until much later in the century. 2000’s  _ _ Interview of a Vampyre _ _ \- changed just enough to avoid copyright - is a parody of 1994’s  _ _ Interview with the Vampire, _ _ featuring vampire actors Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. The porn parody is notable as it features one of the original actors from the film, Tom Cruise, playing a satirised version of his previous character. ln the porn film, Cruise (playing French vampire Lee-Start) and Cravensworth (playing Italian vampire Lóuis) cement their love by getting it on in an actual cemetery. _

_ The filmmakers were eventually sued by Anne Rice’s estate as the porn was too close to the film. Cruise’s involvement has never been noted by the wider human community. _

[Lying together on a tombstone, Cruise and Cravensworth find themselves in a tender, though bloody, embrace. Lee-Start says, “I’ve drained you of all that you are. If I leave you here, you die.” Lóuis says, “Better bloody not, mate,” and latches on to his neck. Filth happens from there.]

_  
  
_

“You… slept with Tom Cruise.” Guillermo asks, incredulously. He’s dusting Laszlo’s hair, because by this point Laszlo hasn’t moved for several weeks except to change the movie and drink from blood bags, and there’s spiders making webs in his hair and across his scalp.

__

“Wasn’t much sleeping going on, Gizmo, old chap.” Laszlo says. He’s watching the events on the screen with some fascination, like he’s remembering them fondly. For all anyone knows, he could be.

__

“But- but- he’s a famous  _ star _ . How did no-one find out about this?”

__

“We’re vampires.” Laszlo shrugs.

__

“Not an answer.”

**

_At time of publication, Cravensworth’s latest pornographic film is_ _Never Give Me More_ _(2019)_ , _an introspective, honest drama, featuring good acting and a profound sense of ennui, touching on aching themes from his past and looking forward to tomorrow._

 _At least, that’s what the pitch to Erotic Studios said it would be. In reality,_ _Never Give Me More_ _is a bawdy romp through a hyper-reality of Cravensworth’s life, featuring explosions, the prettiest stars on the market, and a lot of lens flares. I couldn’t find discussion on the film’s budget, but it’s got to be somewhere in the millions. You’d never know._

[In deep space, vampire Lazslo Cravensworth fucks several aliens, several vampires, and then a literal robot. The score is magnificent, the writing terrible, and at one point a cumshot arcs out and hits the camera. It is nothing if not ‘tender’ and ‘kind’ and ‘subtle’. If you’re deaf and also can’t see.]

_  
  
_

“This sucks.” Guillermo throws a piece of popcorn into his mouth. “Like, really sucks.”

__

“I like the explosions.” Nandor says, tilting his head at an odd angle. “What is that?”

__

On the screen, something fleshy is jiggling. It is genuinely hard to tell what it is.

__

“No idea.” 

__

“Hmm.” Nandor sits back in the seat, looking moderately perplexed. “Where is Laszlo?”

__

“Can’t you hear the screams, master?”

__

In another other part of the house there is screaming. Whether or not it is from pleasure, Guillermo doesn’t know. Guillermo doesn’t really want to know.

__

“Oh yeah.” Nandor says. “I just sort of block them out after a while.” 

__

On the screen, the camera pulls out (heh) to show Laszlo fucking a man painted green with six tentacles stapled to his head. Another woman whips him.

__

“This is-” Nandor starts.

__

“Bad.” Guillermo agrees.

__

“Really bad.”

__

“Want me to turn it off, master?”

__

“Yes.”

__

Guillermo, at long last, turns the tv off.

__

After nearly two months, the silence is deafening. 

__

Nandor grins. “Good.”

_  
  
  
_

_ Fin.  _

**Author's Note:**

> all images utilised for parody. i am not claiming any of these works exist. 
> 
> hit me up on the [ tumblr ](http://eph-em-era.tumblr.com)


End file.
